The Hardest Thing I Have EVER Done in Life Part One
The hardest thing I have ever had to do in this thing called life. Can any one guess what that may be? First clues it’s not giving birth, it’s not some type of goal I have had to reach and it’s not going to school. All of those things came naturally and easily to me. So, what could be more tough? The HARDEST thing I have ever had to do and continue to do is be a step- mother.
Being a step- mother should in all aspects be one of the easiest jobs in the world. Easiest because as a step-mother someone else got to give birth to them, all that should need to be done is love these precious humans right! Life could never be that simple though.
We as humans complicate things way more then we should. If we could all just learn to love like children love unconditionally then life would honestly be simple.
Not only do I find it hard to be a step- mother but also to find balance in that fact the I am a mother as well to my own children and a step-mother to my husbands children. Mix that all together and you get the blended pot we have created called the Blended Stones and that pot is hard to stir to make everything mix just right and come out with just the right consistence.
Now let’s back up and let me tell you a little bit of history of our blended family. My husband Paul came into our relationship with two beautiful girls. I came into our relationship with two little boys. Paul and I dated for a year and a half before we married. We married in April of 2014.
Paul and his ex-wife we will all her Martha for sake of my sanity and this blog. Start that sentence again Paul and his ex wife Martha's divorce was hard on both of them and the girls. Trust was broken by Martha and for a long time they tried to work it out by staying together for the sake of the children. Which let’s be honest is never a good idea. To this day Martha will tell the girls I broke up their marriage. My husband bless his soul when we where dating would tell me about his ex wife here and there. Honestly though we where in love ex’s where not the topic of conversation. My husband does an amazing job in our marriage of separation and balance and by that I mean he actively keeps Martha’s shenanigans to himself most of the time to keep my stress level to a minimum. I will tell you this though usually when a man explains his ex to his girlfriend he will over exaggerate the person, well it was the opposite in our situation he under exaggerated her. By this I mean She has run me off the road with children in the car, she has told me that she liked Paul’s other girlfriends more because they where prettier, I have been told to treat the girls as if they are mine but in the same sentence told that they where not mine and is unfortunate for me because I will never have a girl of my own. I could go on for days. Martha is the type of ex wife that still messages her ex husband 49+ times a day and it will have absolutely nothing to do with the children. It will have to do with stuff like you should add me on Snapchat, I am your children’s mother you should mow my lawn etc. I can honestly say I believe she is the type that just can not let go. I could go on for days but I will spare you.
Why did I tell you all of that? I told you all of that so you would have a greater understanding of why it’s hard. Not only am I the step mother but I have to try to pretend like everything is just OK when the children are around. Paul and I are a married couple I can honestly say we have never out and out fought but we don’t always agree with each other and voices get raised. When voices get raised Martha is that type of mother that prods the children for every detail of their time with their father. She does not want to hear about the good times but only anything that she can find fault with that she can yell at my husband for.
Since Martha and Paul’s divorce they have been to court lots of times. For things such as more $$, custody and again $$. I find speaking to other step parents this is a common thing. Everyone hear me though.. THIS IS HARD ON THE CHILDREN. No matter how much sheltering you think you are doing it could never be enough. These little humans feed off of our emotions. They want to tell us what they think we want to hear because they think that will make us happy. If we are sad they feed off of that and become sad if we are happy they feed off of that and become happy.
I know I am not perfect. I strive for the best though. All we really can do is try. I foremost am parent first though. I am not the type of mom that is my child’s friend that will come later in life. I am their parent, I parent first. That does not mean we can’t have fun. Children have to know who the adult is. If you try to be there friend first and their parent second that child will end up controlling you. I am telling you this because there are different parenting skills out there. No ones is better then the others this is just what works for me. Maybe because I have boys, maybe because I grow up around my grandfather who was military and that is just how things where. Maybe I should be a friend to my step children first and a parent second. I second guess my self all the time. I know before being their step mother and or friend I have a love so deep for them that is actually hurts me to sit back and not
say exactly what I want to to Martha! It hurts because the children hurt which makes me hurt.
I did a little poll on Facebook an asked other step parents: “ As a step parent what is the hardest part of your roll in the child’s life?”
He are some of the answers.
Being a step- mother should in all aspects be one of the easiest jobs in the world. Easiest because as a step-mother someone else got to give birth to them, all that should need to be done is love these precious humans right! Life could never be that simple though.
We as humans complicate things way more then we should. If we could all just learn to love like children love unconditionally then life would honestly be simple.
Not only do I find it hard to be a step- mother but also to find balance in that fact the I am a mother as well to my own children and a step-mother to my husbands children. Mix that all together and you get the blended pot we have created called the Blended Stones and that pot is hard to stir to make everything mix just right and come out with just the right consistence.
Now let’s back up and let me tell you a little bit of history of our blended family. My husband Paul came into our relationship with two beautiful girls. I came into our relationship with two little boys. Paul and I dated for a year and a half before we married. We married in April of 2014.
Paul and his ex-wife we will all her Martha for sake of my sanity and this blog. Start that sentence again Paul and his ex wife Martha's divorce was hard on both of them and the girls. Trust was broken by Martha and for a long time they tried to work it out by staying together for the sake of the children. Which let’s be honest is never a good idea. To this day Martha will tell the girls I broke up their marriage. My husband bless his soul when we where dating would tell me about his ex wife here and there. Honestly though we where in love ex’s where not the topic of conversation. My husband does an amazing job in our marriage of separation and balance and by that I mean he actively keeps Martha’s shenanigans to himself most of the time to keep my stress level to a minimum. I will tell you this though usually when a man explains his ex to his girlfriend he will over exaggerate the person, well it was the opposite in our situation he under exaggerated her. By this I mean She has run me off the road with children in the car, she has told me that she liked Paul’s other girlfriends more because they where prettier, I have been told to treat the girls as if they are mine but in the same sentence told that they where not mine and is unfortunate for me because I will never have a girl of my own. I could go on for days. Martha is the type of ex wife that still messages her ex husband 49+ times a day and it will have absolutely nothing to do with the children. It will have to do with stuff like you should add me on Snapchat, I am your children’s mother you should mow my lawn etc. I can honestly say I believe she is the type that just can not let go. I could go on for days but I will spare you.
Why did I tell you all of that? I told you all of that so you would have a greater understanding of why it’s hard. Not only am I the step mother but I have to try to pretend like everything is just OK when the children are around. Paul and I are a married couple I can honestly say we have never out and out fought but we don’t always agree with each other and voices get raised. When voices get raised Martha is that type of mother that prods the children for every detail of their time with their father. She does not want to hear about the good times but only anything that she can find fault with that she can yell at my husband for.
Since Martha and Paul’s divorce they have been to court lots of times. For things such as more $$, custody and again $$. I find speaking to other step parents this is a common thing. Everyone hear me though.. THIS IS HARD ON THE CHILDREN. No matter how much sheltering you think you are doing it could never be enough. These little humans feed off of our emotions. They want to tell us what they think we want to hear because they think that will make us happy. If we are sad they feed off of that and become sad if we are happy they feed off of that and become happy.
I know I am not perfect. I strive for the best though. All we really can do is try. I foremost am parent first though. I am not the type of mom that is my child’s friend that will come later in life. I am their parent, I parent first. That does not mean we can’t have fun. Children have to know who the adult is. If you try to be there friend first and their parent second that child will end up controlling you. I am telling you this because there are different parenting skills out there. No ones is better then the others this is just what works for me. Maybe because I have boys, maybe because I grow up around my grandfather who was military and that is just how things where. Maybe I should be a friend to my step children first and a parent second. I second guess my self all the time. I know before being their step mother and or friend I have a love so deep for them that is actually hurts me to sit back and not
say exactly what I want to to Martha! It hurts because the children hurt which makes me hurt.
I did a little poll on Facebook an asked other step parents: “ As a step parent what is the hardest part of your roll in the child’s life?”
He are some of the answers.
Blog post to be continued! Until then I would love to hear from parents and step parents. What do you find the most difficult part?
Also before leaving everyone to ponder on there thoughts I want to Thank Kandi Dawson! She is my oldest son Philips step-mom. She has been a true blessing to him. I appreciate you Kandi for giving my son a great person to look up to and love. Also, my husband Paul thank you for being an outstanding father and Step-father you are amazing and I am blessed to call you mine.
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